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First
of all I would like to say that I was extremely reluctant to start this essay
because of the daunting task of dealing with the vast area which the topic
covers. Despite being limited to human families ( and thus excluding all animal
communities), the subject still covers many different cultures, about which I
know almost nothing, and an incredibly wide range of personalities, about which
I know about the same. It is hard enough to know one’s self, let alone other
people! You see, people are made in the image of God. They are complex. Unique.
Individuals destined to progressively change into the likeness of God. They are
not robots, and they cannot be slotted conveniently into simple categories. When
you have a collection of humans together - a family - you compound the
difficulties.
So
when it comes to an examination of something as complex and special as a family,
there is very little room for dogmatism. What works in one family may not work
in another. There are far too many people who have decided that their particular
code, or set of rules is universal, when in fact it happened to work with one
family in one culture. The same set of rules may have the opposite effect in
another family, in another culture - or next door.
Which
is why I always look askance at the plethora of books currently available on the
subject of : raising kids, building marriage, discipline, rules for the home,
relationships, dating, teenagers, teaching toddlers, and so on. The best book
are the ones which present principles. The worst books are full of rules.
Every
parent is an individual, and every child is an individual.
Anecdotal
evidence has shown me that the same discipline which works on one child will not
work on another. What I call the ‘creative’ child (some parents say
‘arty’) is not bothered much by the same discipline which has a dramatic
behaviour modifying effect on his or her brother or sister. For some children a
simple word, spoken softly, has a huge effect, while a smack has the same effect
on another child. I once saw a six year old boy burst into tears simply because
his mother warned him about a possible danger in the paddock he was standing in.
Her slighly harsh tone had been a whip to his mind - whereas another child may
have needed his father after him with a real stick to get him to move.
Having
said this, I tread on eggshells as I approach the topic . . .
Turning
the world upside-down.
There
is an interesting statement in Acts 17:6,7 which may not at first glance seem to
be relevant, but I think it is a key verse:
"And
when they could not find (Paul and Silas), they drew Jason and certain brethren
to the rulers of the city, crying, These that have turned the world upside
down are come hither also;
Whom
Jason has received: and these all do contrary to the decrees of Caesar, saying
that there is another king, one Jesus."
Another
king. This is what the Jewish Christians were proclaiming. Jesus was the real
king, the King of kings, over all other kings, supreme and majestic, ruling over
all the little kings and rulers on earth. Ruling over Caesar.
By
claiming Jesus as the greatest king, the Christians were denying Caesar’s
claim to be the supreme ruler of Rome. This was treason. It was also an
inversion of the status quo.
In
many other ways Christians are expected to challenge the accepted ‘norms’ of
the world, and commit social treason, despite the trouble it causes.
Christianity
is supposed to turn things upside down - which means of course that Christianity
is actually the right side up! It is the world, the unsaved people, the
rejecters of God’s Word, who are upside down. All people need to do, in order
to turn themselves on their heads, is to stop referring to the Bible for
guidance, then they automatically join the millions of upside down people around
them.
Please
bear with me for a while. I haven’t forgotten the topic.
Jesus
constantly, daily, turned things the right way up. For example, he spent time
with children. In his day Rabbis regarded children with disinterest, but Jesus
picked them up and carried them, hugged them, spent time with them, showed them
respect, and even pointed to them as examples of how God’s children ought to
be.
Jesus
also taught things which were the opposite to the way the world saw
things. For example :
It
is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35)
Care
must be shown for enemies (Rom.12:20)
Forgive
and bless your enemies (Rom.12:21)
Don’t
hoard earthly things (Mat. 6:19)
Select
your church leaders from those who are least esteemed (1Cor.6:4)
See
God’s hand of blessing in every adversity (Rom.8:28)
Service
to others is more important than being in charge over them (Gal.5:13)
Galations
5 lists a whole raft of life-style differences - avoid adultery, idolatry,
drugs, hatred, arguing, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, drunkenness and so
on. All these things are common to unsaved people, and part of their
‘normal’ lifestyle. It should not be so for Christians.
So
when we come to examine what the Bible says about ‘families’ we should
expect to find the same ‘turning upside-down’ principle. Whatever the world
considers normal for a family is probably quite wrong.
Unfortunately
the matter is not as clear as black and white. There are many Christian
principles at work in the world, with their corresponding successes.
For
example, the Bible lays stress on the parents being the main nurturers and
educators of their children. I will spend a little time on this one - because it
is a good example of how Christians miss the Bible teaching on raising kids
because they are so immersed in the contemporary culture.
The
world tends to use all sorts of methods to avoid parents teaching their own
children - kindergarten, pre-school, Public Primary schooling, Private
schooling, university and Polytech. Parents in the West have grown up with the
State-school system, and consider it unusual if children are NOT dropped off at
the local Primary school as soon as they reach 5 yrs old.
A
recent study has shown that there is a direct correlation between the amount of
time spent in child care and undesirable traits, like aggression, defiance and
disobedience. The study, which followed 1,100 children in ten cities and in many
settings : relatives, nannies, large day care centres, preschools and more, over
10 years, showed that "as time goes up, so do behaviour problems. Children
who spend over 30 hours a week in child care are more demanding, more
non-compliant and more aggressive" - Dr. Jay Belsky, National Institute on
Child Health and Human Development, and National Institutes of Health.
One
reason why children not brought up by their parents should develop this
underlying anger and hostility towards other people is probably their lack of
contact with the two people God created to be their best friends - their
parents. Nothing can replace the relationship which God designed between parents
and their children. (This is not a criticism of single parents, or parents who
have no choice because of their circumstances).
The
Christian Homeschooling movement has gathered tens of thousands of parents and
children together into its ranks, with consistent results. Properly homeschooled
children are usually ahead of their State-schooled counterparts academically,
and also are better adjusted socially (ever tried to talk to a typical Public
school kid? - they don’t know how to converse with adults). Homeschooled
children usually become great achievers too, because they have more confidence,
and they have learned how to relate to God.
So
broadly speaking, Christian homeschooling is the correct way to nurture and
educate children. All other systems may work well too, but they are not the best
way.
When
we look at the ‘family’ we have a similar contrast between the Christian
model, and the world’s model. Again, very broadly, the world’s model might
be summarised this way :
1.
Emphasis on materialism.
Children are raised in an environment where happiness and success are measured
by material increase and professional promotion.
2.
Education highly valued.
The most important abilities are seen to be Science and Maths, with other
subjects coming further down, and ending with Art. Spiritual values are not seen
as valuable because they lack earning power - unless the child (God forbid!)
joins the clergy and becomes a professional Pastor/Minister.
3.
Women.
It is not wrong for a woman to have a job, but women today are encouraged to put
their profession before their children. The job, the income, and material
increase are put on a higher priority level than home-making and child-raising.
4.
Entertainment.
The most important thing for most kids is the maintenance of entertaining
activities, and experiences. Life is seen as a potential entertainment theme
park, which exists solely for those who want to spend their whole lives in it.
Unfortunately, many adults have the same mindset.
5.
Throw away society.
Because so many things today are disposable, families tend to treat everything
in much the same way. Abortion and euthanasia are becoming more acceptable. Life
is cheapened by the daily media portrayal of evil and ugly events. Selfishness
is fostered, rather than service to others. Many familes are nothing more than a
bunch of selfish, self-centred individuals who spend most of their time trying
to get what they want, even though the price is the destruction of their family,
home, and stability.
The
Christian model of a family is not stated anywhere in the Bible. It would be
wonderful if it was. Christian parents could simply turn to the chapter and read
off the list all the specific commands for parents and children, and then put
them into practise.
But
the list is there, tucked into various chapters and verses, scattered throughout
the whole Bible. The reason this is so, I think, is because ‘family’ is such
a big subject, with so many variations and subtlelties, it cannot be
encapsulated into a simple list.
Perhaps
the greatest code for any family is " Therefore all things whatsoever you
would that men should do to you, do you even so to them:" Matthew 7:12 and
also Phil.2:14.
As
far as I can see, God’s emphasis is not so much on the ‘family’ as a whole
group, but on the individual. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest
that many advocates of ‘the family’ have been so extreme as to make it into
a sort of idol. There is nothing in the Bible about the elevation of sons,
daughters, mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts, families, or any other institution
or social group to a place of divine sanctity. Jesus is the Head of the Church.
Jehovah is Head of Israel. Everything relates to God in terms of Creator and
created. People who make the family to be more important than it really is are
liable to be knocked down rather roughly.
But
individuals are extremely important to God.
Most of the Bible is about God and individuals. When larger groups are
described, God usually picks out an individual for specific instructions, or
decribes some detail in one individual’s life. Many of the books of the Bible
are named after individuals. The reason for this, I think is because God deals
with each person on earth as of they were the only person on earth. God sees
everyone, but He is so infinite He can deal with each person as if they are Adam
without Eve, or Eve without Adam. Alone, on the planet, with no other person to
relate to.
In
the New Testament, God never addresses any family. He always speaks to ‘the
church’ or an individual.
So
when it comes to the husband and wife, the father and mother, God’s
instructions are given on a one-to-one basis. This is because God expects the
husband to walk the narrow way regardless of how the wife walks it - and vice
versa. God expects Mums to be Christians regardless of how the Dads, or
children, or neighbours behave. God expects the Dads to be Christians regardless
of whether the Mum is a Satanist with a drug problem, or whether the teenage
kids are going wild, or whether the baby has chronic colic.God also expects the
Christian children in the family to stay on track regardless of the behaviour of
the parents.
But
what about Christian parents?
Parents
represent God to the children. God created (almost) everything male and female
because God expresses His Nature best in terms of male and female. God is not
just male, nor is He just female. The two aspects compliment each other, and
give us a balanced view of Him.
So
Dad should be male, and Mum should be female. The children should see a clear
balance between the two people, who work together and compliment each other.
This
is why marriage is so important to God. In the Christian context, when a man and
woman decide to marry, they become one flesh (The Hebrew word is
‘echad’=one, the same word used in "The Lord thy God is one (‘echad’)
God", and so represent in their oneness the reality of God.
This
is why children become damaged when their parents separate.
It
is the responsibility of Christian parents to do their best to represent God to
their children, but just what this entails is another area which must be dealt
with in terms of principles, because there is no hard and fast list of rules.
I
would summarise the responsibilities of parents this way :
1.
Love.
Unconditional love must be shown towards the children. Parents must be able to
apologise when they make mistakes, and forgive when they are wronged. Children
are not adults - they are tangled messes, full of foolishness and ignorance. A
five year old still has trouble telling the difference between truth and lies.
They have almost no experience, and very little interest in the world. Parents
should be condescending (not patronising), patient, tolerant, careful not to
offend. What children learn from their parents they eventually transfer to their
understanding of God, so parents ought to try and represent the True God
accurately.
2.
Submission.
Husbands must be submissive to God, and then to their wives and children, as
well as their boss and other authorities. Wives must be submissive in the same
order. (Sadly, there are some ‘fundamentalist’ Christian men who think that
wives are little more than slaves - and their children learn a terrible lesson
as they see the suffering of their mother under the ‘macho’ fist of their
father).
3.
Sacrifice.
Each parent has to work out what this means for themselves. Children need
attention, time and material blessings. Parents are sometimes quick to spend
money but not spend time. Some children would gladly leave their room full of
things just for an hour of quality time with their Mum or Dad.
4.
Law.
Every home needs the Law. This means a set of rules with prescribed punishments.
The children must understand that THEY are responsibile for what follows if THEY
break the rules. If there is no system of fair and just punishment in a home,
anarchy soon prevails. Children who are not disciplined become insecure and
rebellious, and they feel unloved.
Children.
Jesus
repeatedly referred his disciple’s attention to children. Because he did this,
we ought to think about what He said, and see if there are any principles which
parents can apply to their work. Matthew 18:1 At the same time came the
disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?
"And
Jesus called a little child to him, and set him in the midst of them,
And
said, Verily I say to you, Except you be converted, and become as little
children, you shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.
Whosoever
therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest
in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:2
Obviously,
the key word here is "humility", but with humility comes dependancy.
As a general rule (and there are always exceptions), children own almost
nothing, yet they are usually happy with what little they do own. They are
humble because they have no job, possessions or rank to protect.
They
also live day by day, without trying to change or rule the world. They receive
whatever is given to them and ask for things without embarrassment. They have
very few choices in life, yet they enjoy life so much you’d think they were
rich, compared to many adults who are bored and dissatisfied with life despite
having huge wealth and freedom.
They
trust, they forgive quickly, they love and care and feel for people unselfishly.
They enjoy dancing and singing, and prefer to be with people than things. They
think work is play, and they get enthusiastic about things - far more than
adults do.
So,
generally speaking, children demonstrate qualities which are quite often totally
foreign to adults. So what can Christian parents learn from children?
To
be more spontaneous.
If a child discovers a beautiful flower, or a caterpillar, or wants to watch a
leaf drift by on a river, parents ought to stop and enter into the experience
too, rather than glance at their watch.
To
be more dependant on God.
Too often children say ‘God provides for me’ but they see
their parents holding down two jobs and sadly dividing the pay-packet.. They hear
Dad talk about Jehovah-Jireh, my Provider, but they see Dad working long
hours and working way toohard to pay all the bills, because God, apparently
can’t do anything without Dad’s help. They hear their parents talk
about God being a place of Rest, but they see their parents getting
stressed out over day to day problems. What does this tell the children about
the relevance of God?
"For
as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.
For
you have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but you have received
the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father." Romans 8:14, 15
"Abba"
in Greek, means "Daddy!"
"Abba"
is the personal cry of a little child to his Dad. This tells us what sort of
relationship Christian parents ought to have with God. If all the children see
is Mum and Dad dressed in their best clothes, intoning seriously in the church
pew on Sundays, they will get the impressing that God is only on duty one day a
week, like some government official.
The
Family Charter.
It
is doubtful, I think, whether any family would be able to co-operate
sufficiently to write a Charter, because the younger members would not see it as
relevant, and the older members would feel it was superfluous. The parents,
however, could write a list of expectations and refer to it from time to time.
It could even go on the wall as a declaration of intent.
But
when all the rules are boiled down, there really is only one rule - "Do to
others as you would have them do to you". This works as a rule under Grace,
and as a rule under the Law. Children may obey it, even unwillingly, and
Christians may obey it, from their hearts. Whichever approach is used, the rule
works.
Other
things Christian parents can do to direct their family towards heaven :
1.
Posters. Christian posters with a verse or Bible message for the walls.
2.
Ornaments. There are many Christian ornaments available.
3.
Books. If there is a book shelf, stock it with Christian books - for all ages.
4.
Videos. Hire or buy Christian videos. (Vege Tales, Odyssey, etc, )
5.
Tapes. Christian radio stations can sometimes be bearable.
6.
News sources. Challenge Weekly and Christian magazines are available. Creation
mag.
7.
Guests. Invite dynamic Christians to your home and let God work through them.
8.
Events. Take your family to Christian events, guest speakers, shows, musicals
etc.
Your
example.
Children
are always quick to copy what they see. If a visitor comes and the parents treat
him/her with indifference, they will think maybe God is like that. If they hear
parents criticising, and fault-finding someone who has visited, they will wonder
if God is two-faced.
The
following was addressed to elders, but it applies to all Christian parents :
"Feed
the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight . . .
(not as) lords over God's heritage, but being examples to the flock.
And
when the chief Shepherd shall appear, you shall receive a crown of glory that
fades not away." 1Pet. 5:2-4
And
to the children :
"Likewise,
you younger, submit yourselves to the elder. Yea, all of you be subject
one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resists the proud, and
gives grace to the humble.
Humble
yourselves
therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time"
1 Peter 5:5,6
The
family is, without a doubt, one of the most important social units in the world.
It is a miniature of the church, and the marriage part is a miniature of God.
The children are a miniature of the unsaved world, which needs to be loved,
nurtured and educated, and they can become the next generation of labourers in
the vineyard. Parents who do a good job can release into the world an increase,
which, over successive generations, can actually change the whole world. The
greatest mission field is the home.
But
Satan is also desperately keen to destroy Christian homes, which
means that Christian parents must be vigilant, prayerful, and wise. Satan
patrols the outskirts, like a hungry wolf, circling the flock, waiting for the
weaker ones to stumble. He moves in for the kill . . . But vigilant parents
stand in the way.
How
does Satan work?
The
long answer to this question is in my booklet ‘Running With The Wolves’. The
short answer is this summary :
1.
Peer pressure.
Unsaved or worldly friends of your children will (usually unwittingly) lure them
away.
2.
The education system.
State schooling is atheist, evolutionist and materialist. It is also operating
within a democratic system, which places human power at the top, and leaves no
place for God on His throne above the world.
3.
Media.
Songs, TV, videos and other forms of entertainment constantly whittle away at
the truths of Christianity.
4.
Cults, heresies and sects.
Offering security, friendship, love and a sense of belonging, false Christians
try to win the minds of your children.
And
having said all this, I think there is only one more thing to add. I call it the
‘wild card’. Other people call it "free will". Whatever its name,
it is the ability which all people have, including children, to make choices.
The
most loving, obedient, wonderful parents may still see their children turn out
on the broad road. All the prayers, music, teaching and years of effort may seem
to have been a total waste of time. Off goes their daughter, lives with a man,
has a baby, gets married, experiments with drugs . . . Or there goes the son,
sleeping round the city, crashes his car driving home from a wild party, still
drunk as the ambulance arrives . . . And the parents wonder why?
Sad
though the situation is, it is a pattern which has been repeated many times.
Adam and Eve had a murderer for a son, the High Priest Aaron had two boys who
had to be destroyed by God, Samuel’s sons were turned down because they were
wicked . . .
In
these situations, the parents have to ask themselves this question: Did we do
our best to raise our children in God’s ways? If they can answer
"yes" then they have discharged their duty. There is no place for
guilt or remorse. All God requires of each individual parent is that they
discharge their duty. The children make their own choices, and receive either
rewards or punishments based on their own choices.
Because
when you think about it, children come from God first. He uses a
woman’s womb to birth them, and parents are, after all, only supervisors
for a few years. Children belong to God, not their earthly parents,
because He made them, so there is no place for possessive parents who think that
children should be some sort of permanent addition to their home. God is the
Possessor of every person He has made. Everything belongs to God. Parents belong
to God just as much as their children. We own nothing.
...........................................
In
closing, I think it is interesting to note that the only time "family"
is translated in the New Testament from the word "patria" is in
Ephesians: "For this cause I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus
Christ, of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named"
Eph.
3:14,15
"Patria"
means "one’s own family".
This
is so significant.
God,
on the one hand, has given us the social group called the family, here on earth,
as a sort of demonstration model of many spiritual truths, but in the end, when
all’s been said, the only permanent family is our heavenly one. All Christian
men are therefore brothers, and all Christian women are sisters, and God is the
only Father we all have.This means that we ought to demonstrate to the world our
family likeness - love, forgiveness, care, generosity, etc.
Are we behaving like family of God?